Really – who needs church?

Why is it more meaningful to get to know people outside of a church building than inside one? We went to a Safari Supper this weekend, hosted by our church’s social committee. We had such a great time getting to know people who we have seen in church for the past ten months we have been attending. (And by the feasts we fed on, we know we have found a church with some great cooks!)

Outside of the church building, everyone seems more natural, genuine with each other. If we want to genuinely relate to one another, we do not have to wear a dog collar. We don’t have to posture in front of each other wearing cassocks, choir robes, surplices, stoles, or any other garments from a church kit. (This church kit also includes special frocks and trendy daywear for evangelicals who threw out dog collars with King Charles I.)

Today, when the vicars wear sandals and shorts underneath their cassock, what does that communicate to the rest of us? Are they trying to relate to us, or just flipping off the traditions?

Our buildings, facilities, clothing, music, worship props, bells and smells, theological vocabulary – and yes, even our liturgy – have become masks for us all to hide behind. We’ve got saying ‘the peace’ to each other down pat. That has become the extent of our outreach within our community of faith.

It is not easy being new to a church community, no matter where you are in your faith walk. In the short time my husband and I have been attending our church, we have been blessed to get to know a few in the group who are quite genuine, and do not seem to mind newcomers coming in and messing with their history. That does not make things less awkward on Sunday, though. Why does it have to seem like an eternity before you feel like you have cracked the code to people’s hearts and minds? My husband – new to the church going practice – has likened being part of a church community to that of belonging to the AmDram crowd. Except if one fails with the church folk, what, we become AmDamned?

There are some weeks when ya just don’t know how to pray or what to think. If the church folk don’t like how you rocked their pew, or have a ‘suggestion’ to make, they send you a spiteful E-mail or cryptic text message. The cowards don’t have the spirit to get to know you better by just picking up the phone and ringing you for a civil, Christian conversation. Honestly, they assume the worst in you before they even take the time to get to know you.

And if you are a newcomer to the church, whatever you do, don’t volunteer to be helpful! The talents Jesus speaks about? Those are just a part of the fairy tale. They don’t belong to real people. Just the people in the Parables. If real people try to genuinely share their talents and grow their spiritual gifts amongst those who own longer histories inside the church community than you do, watch out. There are bouquets of egos that will soon wilt, and loads of knickers will get wadded up and lobbed back at you. You will deny others their positions of power in their faux holy fiefdoms. More spiteful E-mails, more cryptic text messages.

Who needs prayer? As a caveat for belonging, you could ask for prayers by quietly having your name listed in the monthly prayer book that goes out to the entire parish. The emphasis is on quiet, because the only time you will hear others praying out loud for you is if they are authorised by the diocese. And don’t go asking anyone if they have any prayer needs. God might have authorised you to pray out loud, but keep that a secret. You don’t want to offend.

Who cares what the Bible says these days? The only time it should be read is within Sunday’s liturgical setting, when the Big Red Book travels up the aisle with fanfare to be ‘read to the people’. It might add a nice warm fuzzy of drama mysterium, but honestly, who needs to discuss the content of what was read during the other days of the week? If your friends are confused, curious, or get bored easily with profundity, let them read Dan Brown. If you even own a study Bible – you know, the kind with all the helpful academic commentary, topical concordance, historical timelines, and archaeological info – then by all means, hide it now! You are only allowed it if you are going into the ministry as a vocation. Why would you want to contaminate your church friends with a Bible study in your own home, for God’s sake?

So why would anybody want to go to church?

Come to think of it, the examples we have in the four gospels of Jesus relating to people – his friends, his family, people of political and religious influence, even total strangers – are rarely set inside the boundary walls of the Temple. As Jesus spent time with others, he met with them inside their homes, on country strolls, out boating, in the marketplace, at parties, when they were sick, smelly, and ugly, and while they were dying. Sure, he was a regular at Temple worship, but his attendance does not seem to define the essence of his relationships. As a woman, I take note that his theological discussions with women happened nowhere near the Temple. In fact, the few instances when his presence at the Temple is mentioned are usually in context with confrontation. People didn’t need E-mail or use text messages in those days. They just hurled trenchant queries or stones.

Perhaps going to church is not the most essential part of this present journey. I’m almost certain God has created a few different road maps. Do you think I could get one that’s colour-coded and more user friendly?

Just don’t send me a text message. Please.